Categories
Feelings

Attractiveness

I had a hard time with this post. Not because it’s wrong or silly or whatever. I don’t think it’s any of those things. I mean, statistically speaking someone should have found me attractive. I’m married, so that proves it. The problem I have is that I can’t actually picture it.

This is something that I don’t think I’ve ever been able to properly integrate into my mind. I’ve never been classically attractive, and my hobbies and interests have not been very attractive, either. While I know there are all types of interests and attractions, it doesn’t strike me as something someone has done, to me, at any point in my history.

I guess this is where I re-iterate that I suffer from depression. I medicate and occasionally do talk therapy as ways of treating it. I’ve come a long way and I can honestly state that I don’t feel depressed anymore. That all being said, I still don’t love myself. I don’t feel like I should and the concept of external sources of love (or lust) being directed at me are entirely foreign and difficult to process.

The confusion comes when I try to map what I feel when I see someone attractive, onto someone else (known or unknown) and direct it back at me. There is this sort of divide-by-zero error that by brain does and simply short circuits. I know this is not how things work, but damn if I can’t seem to figure it out.

Anyway, I think the post Brandon made is interesting and certainly rings true, logically. We’re so closeted as a society that expressing this fact (in either direction/sex) is so taboo that we actually joke about it. It’s come to the point where we fetish-ize our desires, because we don’t allow ourselves to be open about it. Society is growing, but I feel like we’re moving closer to Japan than to someplace more in-touch with their feelings, like Spain or Brazil (obviously they still have problems, too).

Categories
Family Feelings

Bernard DeGruchy

My grandfather.  Bernard DeGruchy.  Passed away last night.  He was 83.

It’s hard being more than fourteen-hundred miles away from home.   Away from people you love.  It’s not that I don’t want to be here.  It’s just times like these make it very difficult to process your feelings.

I wasn’t there, I never got to say my final goodbyes.  That’s hard.  I never got to say my final goodbyes to my dog, Aften, when she died.

I know I can’t dwell on it.  I know that I need to, almost cruelly, soldier on.  Relive the good memories and don’t let tragedy pull you down.

He lived a good life, and I’m proud to say he helped make me what I am today.  He helped raise me with my grandmother and if that doesn’t get you into heaven, I’m not sure what would.

Goodbye Grampy.  I love you.

Categories
Computers Feelings Rants

I’m not growing up, I’m just burning out

I really hate computers.

That would be a lie in normal circumstances, but in relation to working on computers, it’s an absolute truth.

I also hate doing two people’s jobs while still only being paid one hourly wage. It’s like being double-raped because I know enough to be able to do it. It’s like some macabre way of being repaid for paying attention and being good at what I do.

So, here I sit, burning DVDs at the last possible second because a faculty member needs this done for something dubiously related to work. Yeah, great.

Why am I doing it? Well, I suppose because our “A.V. Guy” isn’t in and because of some perverse sense of duty because I know how to do it and that I can do it well enough.

At least I have my mac. I never really though I’d say it, but I’m so glad to have my computer back with all the applications that I actually love to work in. That’s a scary thought. That I could actually enjoy working because of an application and the way it presents the workflow.