Attractiveness

I had a hard time with this post. Not because it’s wrong or silly or whatever. I don’t think it’s any of those things. I mean, statistically speaking someone should have found me attractive. I’m married, so that proves it. The problem I have is that I can’t actually picture it.

This is something that I don’t think I’ve ever been able to properly integrate into my mind. I’ve never been classically attractive, and my hobbies and interests have not been very attractive, either. While I know there are all types of interests and attractions, it doesn’t strike me as something someone has done, to me, at any point in my history.

I guess this is where I re-iterate that I suffer from depression. I medicate and occasionally do talk therapy as ways of treating it. I’ve come a long way and I can honestly state that I don’t feel depressed anymore. That all being said, I still don’t love myself. I don’t feel like I should and the concept of external sources of love (or lust) being directed at me are entirely foreign and difficult to process.

The confusion comes when I try to map what I feel when I see someone attractive, onto someone else (known or unknown) and direct it back at me. There is this sort of divide-by-zero error that by brain does and simply short circuits. I know this is not how things work, but damn if I can’t seem to figure it out.

Anyway, I think the post Brandon made is interesting and certainly rings true, logically. We’re so closeted as a society that expressing this fact (in either direction/sex) is so taboo that we actually joke about it. It’s come to the point where we fetish-ize our desires, because we don’t allow ourselves to be open about it. Society is growing, but I feel like we’re moving closer to Japan than to someplace more in-touch with their feelings, like Spain or Brazil (obviously they still have problems, too).

Posted by Nathan

Nathan is a technologist who loves Open Source Software, sleep and coffee.